If you are new to the lesbian dating pool, it’s quite possible that you’ve found yourself treading in deep waters. Well, guess what, you’re not alone. Contrary to popular belief, just because we are women who date other women, there’s no magic formula that makes dating any easier. Nope, I’m afraid that two multiplied by women does not necessarily equate to dating bliss.
Don’t get me wrong. Two women together can be like alchemy when you get the formula right. But unless you’re extremely lucky, you’re unlikely to find that on your first lesbian date. Actually, scrap that. I wouldn’t consider it lucky at all. I think you NEED to have your fair share of terrible dates. That way, you will appreciate them when they are good.
So yes, the art of lesbian dating is a little more complicated than one might hope. I remember finally digging myself out of my bottomless closet at 22 years old and wondering where the hell to even begin. All of my friends were straight, and until then, I’d been strictly dating men. In fact, I’d spent the past 12 months engaged to one. But that’s a whole other story!
What I’m trying to say is, I’ve been in your shoes. I know what it’s like to have a thirst for the lesbian culture but be petrified by it at the same time. I know how it feels to question if your hair looks gay enough. To wonder if the lesbian community will accept you. And to ask the lesbian gods how the hell you’re ever going to find a date when the only lesbian you know is your Mums middle-aged friend. Who yes, you may have made out with once! Cringe.
But guess what. You needn’t make this whole lesbian dating thing into an Einstein equation. With some solid lesbian dating advice, you will (in time) have this whole girl-on-girl dating malarkey down to a tee.
Fortunately for you, I’ve had my fair share of dates. Some of which have been great, others which have been terrible, and a few that have been downright unusual. But all of those learning curves eventually lead me to meet Natalie. So I guess in the end, I must have got something right.
So sit back, grab yourself a beer, and enjoy my fool-proof guide to lesbian dating.
Things I Wish I’d Known Before Lesbian Dating
OK, so I’m kicking off this list with some lesbian dating tips that would have come in handy BEFORE I started dating women. Things like how to meet other lesbians is a great place to start. But I’ll also let you in on some of the unspoken secrets of the lesbian underworld so that you’re at least somewhat prepared for what’s to come next. It might sound scary, but it’s also a lot of fun… I pinky-promise.
1. Familiarise Yourself With Lesbian Labels
Before sacrificing myself to the precarious world of lesbian dating, I had no idea the significance of lesbian labels and terms. OK, so I’d heard the terms’ butch’ and ‘femme’ thrown around; who hasn’t? But I was completely unaware of the beautiful mishmash of women that made up the lesbian realm.
Many lesbians rely on their lesbian ‘type’ to identify and define themselves, and that’s perfectly OK. But it’s important to remember that not everybody conforms to stereotypes, and we shouldn’t assume anything about a person purely based on looks or status.
That said, familiarising yourself with the various lesbian labels and terms you might come across on the dating scene is a wise idea. It will, at the very least, prepare you for any conversations you might have in the future. Or it could even end up helping you with the type of lesbian you a) want to be or b) want to date.
2. Don’t Get Obsessed Over Lesbian Labels
While it’s a good idea to understand lesbian labels and terms, it’s more important not to become fixated on them.
I know from experience how obsessing over labels can lead to feelings of isolation. I once believed that I had to look, dress, and act a certain way if I wanted to be a valid member of the community. Take advice from your lesbian big sister and don’t make my same mistake.
Sexuality, gender, identity – it is all fluid. So regardless of where you sit on the spectrum, know that you are valid. And never feel you have to change who you are in order to “fit in”.
3. Meeting Other Lesbians
Girl, I’ve been there. When you first come out of the closet, other lesbians can seem as elusive as fairies and mythical creatures. Although you know in your heart of hearts that they exist, finding them seems like an impossible task.
But do not despair, my dear rookie. There are, in fact, far more of us than you might expect. It’s simply a case of putting yourself out there. If you feel safe doing so, I suggest coming out to as many people as you can. Because with each person you tell, there is the possibility that they know somebody who bats for the same team. At best, you find a date. Or even better, you find a wing woman. Always a bonus when it comes to lesbian dating.
Then, of course, there is the ever-growing selection of lesbian dating apps. Having met Natalie on a well-known dating app, I’m a huge advocate for meeting people online. Sure, I had to kiss a few frogs before meeting my Princess Charming (and yep, there were a few crazies in there, too), but your chances of meeting someone go up around a gazillion percent if you are open to online dating. I’m just saying!
Alongside dating apps, you also have social media and other online platforms that allow you to connect with like-minded people in your area. Search for relevant hashtags, look up local lesbian events & meet ups, visit your nearest cat cafe… the opportunities are endless!
4. Prepare for Your First Time
Yes, I’m talking about sex. It might seem premature since you’re yet even to date another woman, but there’s no harm in getting to know the basics. Again, many newbie lesbians (myself included) assume that because they are jumping into bed with another woman, it automatically grants them sexual goddess status. When, unfortunately, that’s not the case! Honestly, your first lesbian sexual encounter is likely to be messy and awkward. But if you take some time to prepare, I promise it will all run a lot more smoothly.
Things I Wish I’d Known While Lesbian Dating
OK, now we’ve covered the basics of preparing yourself for the lesbian dating scene, let’s talk about the actual dating part. In this section, I hope to empower you to get out there and have a LOT of fun. While at the same time being smart, being confident, and most importantly, being YOU.
5. Don’t Be Afraid to Make the First Move
When you’re lucky enough to find a hot girl you’d like to date, don’t be afraid to ask her out. I know it’s daunting, particularly if you don’t know if the feeling is mutual. But there’s no lesbian in the history of lesbians who doesn’t appreciate a girl with confidence.
Think of it this way. If this girl has caught your attention, she’s likely caught somebody else’s attention as well. You don’t want to lose out to some other b*tch, just because you didn’t have the bazookas to ask her out.
Making the first move is especially easy when you meet somebody online. The chances are you’re not going to bump into them at any point randomly, so in this case, what do you have to lose?
6. Plan a Memorable First Date
One thing I’ve always been good at is planning great dates. Considering I sometimes talk too much and tell some pretty awful Dad jokes, I’ve come to realise this is a lucky quality to have.
Planning a memorable first date is a sure-fire way to impress your date. Not only will you earn serious brownie points for effort, but it’s likely to break the ice and make the conversation less awkward.
Preferably you’ve already got to know a bit about your dates likes and dislikes; but if not, it’s still possible to plan a date they will never forget.
Instead of your standard drinks in a bar, why not plan a romantic picnic somewhere beautiful? Rather than your average meal at a restaurant, take a local food walking tour. If your date is adventurous, plan a hike or go rock climbing.
There are so many ways to make your first date more exciting and memorable. You just need to think outside of the box.
7. Grooming and Style
While, of course, looks and appearance are not everything, personally, I feel at my most confident when I’m well-groomed. For me, that mostly means that my hair is on point, I’ve shaved my bits, and I’ve picked out an outfit that’s stylish yet comfortable. Not much effort involved, but these three things help me to feel at my best.
The truth is, when we feel good in ourselves, it reflects through our energy and persona. We feel more confident and outgoing. We worry less about what others are thinking about us. And consequently, we help put those around us at ease as well.
In the name of getting laid, do whatever it is YOU need to do to help you feel at your best. Go for a spray tan, paint your nails, neck half a bottle of wine, you know, that kind of thing.
8. Be a Gentle’lady’
Probably the most appealing quality on a first date is somebody who is respectful and attentive. Ask your date lots of questions about herself and actually pay attention. Be fully present in the moment and not on your phone or in your own head.
Also, don’t be afraid to say you’re enjoying the date or to give them lots of compliments. Some might say not to give away too much too soon but screw that. Nobody plays hard to get these days unless they are an a*sehole. Do not be an a*sehole!
If you really want to make an impression, foot the bill. It may seem like an old-school, heteronormative thing to do, but it’s a nice gesture, and your date will appreciate it. I’m sure she will return the favour next time. If there will be a next time, that is.
Finally, be honest! If you don’t feel like the date went well, tell her you don’t think you’re compatible. Don’t promise you’re going to call, and then don’t. It’s a f*ck boi thing to do, and trust me; nobody likes a f*ck boi since Shane cheated on Carmen, OK? (And yes, girls can be f*ck bois too)
9. Have a Back-Up Plan of Things to Talk About
OK, so your creative date idea, charming wit, and dashing good looks haven’t roused the interest and spark you’d hoped for. The long awkward silences are sending your anxiety through the roof, and you secretly wish you’d planned some kind of fake emergency call with your best friend.
Listen, we’ve all been there. But even the dates that seem hopeless can often be saved from the depths of desperation. Perhaps your date is shy or nervous, and they are sitting hoping you’re going to take the lead.
This is where having a physical or mental note of possible talking topics comes in super handy. When we are anxious, our minds go blank. But, of course, there are a gazillion things we can ask and talk about during a date. Preparing this in advance could be your saving grace.
10. Sex on the First Date is OK
Unfortunately, we live in a chauvinistic society, whereby slut-shaming has been drilled into all of us women since we were teens. But guess what lesbos, that sh*t doesn’t exist amongst the lesbian culture. So if you hit it off and want to tear each other’s clothes off, there is zero shame in having sex on the first date. If you’ve followed my advice so far, you should already be well prepared for your first time lesbian encounter!
Common Lesbian Dating Mistakes
Since I’ve taught you all the things, you SHOULD do while lesbian dating, now I’m going to share some of the things you absolutely shouldn’t do. I’m pretty sure most baby lesbians have made one or more of these datings mistakes in the past. But now I’m giving you the heads up, hopefully, you won’t have to.
11. Falling for every lesbian you meet
When you first start to realise you are attracted to girls, it can be tempting to latch on to each and every lesbian you meet. It doesn’t matter how old they are, how you’ve come to know them, or even if you’re attracted to them. Just the fact that they too are gay has you lusting over them like they’re Megan Fox.
Young and confused, I made my way through a string of older women in my late teens. I’m not saying it wasn’t fun, but looking back, most of those flings were highly inappropriate. Things got awkward, people got hurt, and it made my introduction into the lesbian world far from ideal. So much so, I went back in the closet, only to reappear a few years later.
I know you’re keen to have your first lesbian encounter, but trust me, there is no need to rush. Your time will come little sister, I promise.
12. Falling for a girl with a boyfriend
Oh, the classic rookie mistake where only one person ends up in tears. Yep, I’m afraid that would be you, sweetheart.
I made the mistake of falling in love with a bisexual girl with a boyfriend in my early 20s. I was engaged to a man at the time, and said girl dragged me recklessly back out of the closet I’d been hiding in.
It wasn’t pretty. My relationship fell apart while she made it very clear she wasn’t ever leaving her boyfriend. I was left broken-hearted, alone, and with a broken closet I could never get back into.
It was a painful learning curve for me. And while it all worked out for the best in the end, I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. If she has a boyfriend (or a girlfriend), my advice is to steer clear.
13. Having a threesome with your friend & her partner
I’m sure I don’t have to explain the dangers of this one. Take it from me; it’s a horrible idea. Just, no.
14. The “Urge to Merge”
We’ve all heard the U-Haul jokes. It might appear to be a stereotype; however, the urge to merge in lesbian relationships is real.
There is a theory behind this – Oxytocin. Oxytocin, otherwise known as the ‘love hormone’, is a hormone women produce when falling in love, having sex, or breastfeeding. It feels so amazing that we easily get addicted, hence why lesbian relationships tend to move very fast.
I’m not really one to talk here, but try to resist the urge to merge with every girl you meet. When the magic of newfound love wears off, and you realise you’re not compatible after all, it’s far easier to end things if you haven’t already started morphing into one person.
For the record, Natalie and I moved in together after 6-months. That’s like three years in lesbian terms.
15. Playing hard to get
“Treat them mean, keep them keen”, might be some weird gameplay that works in heterosexual relationships, but I’m afraid that sh*t doesn’t wash with lesbians. If you act all elusive and casual, the chances are she will think you’re a f*ck boi. And you know how we feel about f*ck bois.
16. Thinking you need to change to “fit in”
Finding your belonging amongst the lesbian underworld can be daunting. Suddenly you’re met with a plethora of lesbians in all shapes, sizes, and styles who all seem so self-assured and experienced.
In my baby lesbian days, I remember feeling like I had to change parts of myself if I wanted to be desirable. I tried so hard to mould myself into boxes that I just didn’t fit into.
What I later came to realise is that actually, I was just trying to find myself. I’d lived a lie for so long that I needed to undo everything I thought I should be in order to become everything that I am.
So yes, it might be that you do need to change. But don’t do it for anybody else. Don’t think you have to dress, look, and act a certain way in order to fit in. Just work on finding you, the real you, and everything else will fall into place.
Thank You For Reading
Thank you for reading! We hope you found this lesbian dating advice helpful. If you have any questions for us, or anything you’d like to add to the article, don’t hesitate to get in touch. You can reach out to us in the comment section below or through our contact us page.
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- 20+ Different Types of Lesbians & The Problem with Lesbian Labels
Charlotte & Natalie x
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